“How to gain, how to keep, how to recover happiness is in fact for most men at all times the secret motive of all they do, and of all they are willing to endure.”
William James

There’s one word in this quotation that strikes me as being pivotal. Without it, the whole quote becomes banal, even offensive.

Most people are motivated by the desire to be happy? Ho-hum. The Earth isn’t going to shake over that revelation. At all times? In everything we do? Now we’re moving into offensive. The guy’s clearly a cynic. If he’s right we’re no better than animals, motivated purely by self-interest. But of course he’s wrong. I’ve made plenty of compromises for my spouse’s happiness, sacrifices for my children, given my time and money to charities. And I’m pretty sure most people have done the same.  Sometimes we act out of self-interest, but not always.

And everything we willingly endure? This part’s a little more interesting, and I’ll admit there’s truth in it. I’ve stuck through some rough times with my spouse because I believed in the long run, I’d be happier with him than without him. (Sometimes I tell him the jury’s still out on that one, just to keep him on his toes.) I’ve been the giver instead of the receiver in relationships with family and friends because I knew the time would come when those roles would switch, and unfortunately, I was right. I’ve put up with three-year-olds’ tantrums and teenagers’ disdain because I figured I was happier being a mom than a jailbird.

But so far, James’s quote is nothing special. Then he inserts the word ‘secret’. Now, secret is an interesting word in itself, implying all kinds of things about its keepers. ‘Secret’ draws us in. Knowing a secret gives us power. We’re willing to endure a boring, even irritating quote, if he promises us a secret.

Furthermore, it’s our secret. Our secret motive: Happiness. Why does James think we want our desire for happiness to be kept secret? He doesn’t say, but he has subtly made us into a far more interesting and complex creature than we would be without it.

Maybe we keep it secret because we’re ashamed. We suspect happiness isn’t a very admirable goal most of the time. Because we aren’t merely animals; we’re some strange creature that understands and admires the concepts of altruism, self-sacrifice, devotion. We want to be motivated by noble causes, by lifelong love, by the yearning for something greater than ourselves. We’re flawed and frail, but we have not given up our ideals. In our hearts we surmount the Law of Nature—survival of the fittest. Perhaps not always in our actions. Sometimes in our shame.

Or maybe we keep it a secret because we’re afraid. Isn’t acting out of the desire to be happy the same as admitting we’re not happy now? Nobody wants to admit that. It makes us vulnerable. It exposes us to ridicule. We look pathetic, wanting something so basic and being unable to achieve it.

Even as I write this, I want to add, hey, just so you know, I’m happy. I’ve got a good marriage, great kids, a strong support network of friends and family. I live in a nice house and I can afford a few luxuries. I’ve got ideals, and causes I support, and a faith I believe in. I’m not the person in James’s quote.

So why do I have trouble getting out of bed some mornings? Why do I firmly tell myself, “I wonder what interesting thing will happen today?” to cover the other thought, the one that slipped in before I was fully awake and in control? Shhh! That’s my secret.

Interesting, how a single word can completely change a message.

What is the secret of your happiness?

70 percent of American adults have experienced a traumatic event, and   20% of these people will experience Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. An estimated 1 out of 10 women develops PTSD. (PTSD STATS – U.S. First Responders Association http://www.usfra.org/profiles/blogs/ptsd-stats#ixzz1rzNTmM3g)

You probably know what trauma is. You may be familiar with the symptoms, either because you have experienced them, or because you know someone who has. You already know that the worst thing about trauma is not the experience or experiences that caused it, however terrible they were; the worst thing about trauma is what happens to you after.

This is the way I explain it to those who don't know. I've adapted it from something a social worker who deals with trauma and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Angela Hovey, told me. It will mean more to you if you do this exercise while you're reading.

Take out a piece of paper. On that paper, write down your important relationships, and briefly, your role in each one. Using my daughter Caroline, for example, my relationship to her is mother, my role is to protect and care for her. For Ian, my relationship is spouse, one aspect of my role is to love and support him.

On the same piece of paper, write down your profession or job, and one main skill you use in it. Below that, your financial status. No details, just very generally: I own a home, a car, I have some savings, I earn enough to take care of myself and my family.

Now list a couple of your hobbies and interests, and some plans you have for the future, things you're looking forward to: a trip, a social event, a promotion, a planned vacation. And finally, write down what you see as the meaning of life. One sentence: I believe God loves and watches over me; I believe we're here to help each other; I believe I can take care of myself and those I love. Whatever you see as giving life meaning.

When you have finished, pick up that piece of paper, and for the next 30 seconds, tear it to pieces. Don't stint--keep ripping for the full 30 seconds.

Now, put those pieces back together again.

Severe trauma shatters your whole life: your relationships, your ability to perform the roles you previously had, your job and financial status, your hobbies and future plans, your concept of life and what makes it meaningful. Often in as little as 30 seconds.

And then, when you're feeling frightened and betrayed and ripped to pieces, the toughest part begins: you have to find a way to put the pieces back together.

In 2003, I was in a severe car accident. Every aspect of my life was affected.

Because I believe that the most important thing we can do is increase our understanding of ourselves and of others, I will be blogging about the things we feel deeply, about the things that separate us and that unite us. I hope you will respond and share, as well.

Has something happened that changed your life suddenly? How did you deal with it?

The greatest happiness is to know the source of unhappiness.
Fyodor Dostoevsky

*“Incidents of post-traumatic stress disorder have been documented as far back as ancient Greece. The condition has had different labels throughout history.

“In the American Civil War, it was called soldier's heart. In the First World War it was called shell shock and in the Second World War it was known as war neurosis. In the Vietnam War, the symptoms were described as combat stress reaction.” (CBC News Posted: Dec 17, 2008) *

Eight years ago I was in a car accident. Someone else caused it and I was not to blame. No one died. No one was paralyzed or brain injured. Nothing really bad happened.

I should have felt lucky. I should have been grateful. At the very least, I should have simply got on with my life. Instead I sank, inexplicably and irresponsibly, into Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.

What right do I have to PTSD? I’ve lived in a peace-drenched country all my life, grown up warmed and nurtured by a loving family. I’ve never witnessed, let alone suffered, any kind of violence or abuse.

I am not a candidate for PTSD. I snuck in the back door, someone with no right to be there at all, quaking and shaking as though some genuine tragedy had occurred when nothing really bad happened to me.

Was it some hidden character flaw, some secret weakness within me? A lack of faith or gumption or plain common sense that I didn’t know the difference between fortune and misfortune?

I don’t know. All I know is that eight years ago I was in a car accident and I endured years of PTSD and depression. And eventually I learned to admit that even though I’m alive and whole and blameless, something bad did happen to me.

*

Do you recognize the source of your unhappiness? Did recognizing it help you to overcome it?